October is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month. It would be impossible to condense this broad and heavy topic into an informational article, so instead, I’ll be offering a space for one mom to share her story of loss. As varying as the joys of parenthood, grief is as unique, but in its diversity Shannon emphasizes that, “it takes effort to grieve well.” She has done so and the healing that has followed has been beautiful to witness. Whether you are experiencing a loss, know someone who is grieving, or just aim to learn more about how resilient folks can be through hardship, this story can hold something for you. Here is the story of Baby Maria:
Since their wedding in May of 2018, Shannon and Jeff were excited about starting a family together and after the birth of their daughter Chiara, they believed that the greatest gift they could give her was the gift of a sibling. The two were thrilled to be pregnant again in 2021. It wasn’t until their 20-week ultrasound that Shannon and Jeff would find out that they were having a second baby girl, Maria. They also found out that Maria had skeletal dysplasia, a condition in which the skeleton of the body is underdeveloped. This disorder limits organ growth, in particular the lungs. In addition, Maria’s stomach was growing in her heart cavity and her brain wasn’t fully split into distinct hemispheres. The prognosis was not good and the couple was offered to end the pregnancy, which Shannon and Jeff insisted was not an option for them.
In the coming weeks, Shannon shared that they prayed for a miracle for Maria while also asking for the grace to accept whatever was to come. Shannon heard other stories of moms who had gone through difficult diagnoses and had healthy children. She was also connected with a doctor who would take over much of her care in the remainder of pregnancy. These human connections provided Shannon and Jeff with some light in the midst of preparing for any possibility. Shannon and Jeff fought for hope for their baby girl.
The couple soaked up every moment they could with Maria. Jeff would come home from work and greet his girls: mom, daughter and baby girl in the womb. They cherished every kick they could. They were both bonding in the most intentional way they knew how, understanding that Maria’s time on earth could be limited.
Regular ultrasounds revealed that Maria was getting worse and that her head had grown rapidly in the third trimester. In a moment of clarity and maternal instinct, Shannon knew that she wanted to labor for her baby. She wanted to do everything she could to have a vaginal delivery and by 30 weeks, Shannon was told that they would need to induce her to make this possible, as Maria’s head was measuring 38 weeks. Shannon recalled that this is when their hearts were the heaviest. Almost as if it wasn’t the time to have hope but to have acceptance, and with a weighty decision to be made, it all felt sudden. After much deliberation, Shannon and Jeff went ahead with the induction, and on May 3rd, 2022 Maria was born.
Shannon looks back on the birth of Maria with a lot of peace and joy. Maria had the chance to meet her big sister, Chiara and was surrounded by the love of her family. Shannon was able to hold her baby girl, she could feel a small kiss on her collarbone and when she handed her to Jeff, Maria squeezed his finger. These small affections were the most meaningful and loving parting gift from their baby girl. About 45 minutes after Maria was born, she was born into Heaven.
In the months following Maria’s funeral, Shannon shared that there were a few things that were particularly helpful as she grieved and maybe they can be helpful for other folks too:
1) Just Listen.
Shannon shared that Jeff was a rock for her, always lending a listening ear and patiently hearing her thoughts and feelings, even when she would repeat herself or “not make
much sense” as she put it.
2) Check In to Avoid Check Out.
Shannon had a close friend that dedicated a day of the week to call at the same time. Shannon shared that grief can often feel like depression and that having someone to consistently reach out without having to do the effort of initiating was huge for her. She stated that even on the days she didn’t feel like talking, she always left the conversation feeling better.
3) Care for Yourself.
Journaling and reading proved to be helpful tools for Shannon. Journaling to process all that she was thinking and feeling, and reading on grief to ensure that those thoughts and feelings weren’t out of the ordinary. In any realm of health and wellness, there are experts who have studied and curated the best ways forward. Find what works, cling to what helps, and have hope that grief adapts with you.
Grieving has and continues to be an ongoing process for Shannon and Jeff. It began with Maria’s diagnosis, was transformed by moments of hope, and ultimately came to a head when they decided to induce and she passed away. Shannon explained that she didn’t see a real turning page in her healing journey until she was pregnant with her son, Joachim, and it was the night before the 20 week ultrasound. She described how Jeff was feeling anxious about the scan and how Shannon took on the role of comforter for what felt like the first time in a long time. The process of grief continues today and Shannon and Jeff like to take the approach that grief is something they are growing with, not fighting to avoid. Instead of forgetting the pain of losing a child, they remember her in every way they can, honoring the old memories by creating new ones. They remember her throughout the year when they visit her grave and have a picnic, celebrate her birthday with balloons and cake, and by always being sure to hang a stocking for her at Christmas.
Every person will experience grief in different ways. For Shannon and Jeff, their family was strengthened through the experience of bolstering each other through loss, but this isn’t the case for many (or most) people. Losing someone, especially a child, can become a dance between individual processing and seeking community support, yet it seems like nobody, not even ourselves at times, can fully comprehend the depth of what we’re experiencing. So although it looks different, know that there are others out there who have been through loss of every kind. Women’s Care Center knows these stories well, we have sat with women and heard about their healing, and we are here to receive you in all of grief’s messes. It may not feel like it now, but there is beauty that can come from this hardship and healing is possible with time.
